What are we gonna do about the men in blue...
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black metal thanksgiving

By Dave Carnie

I didn’t realize that our whole Black Metal Thanksgiving nonsense was training for the blackest Thanksgiving of all time: Thanksgiving 2020. Holy shit, can this holiday be any darker? What are you thankful for? … uhhhh… Zoom? Fuck me, I don’t know. But this is the one year that black metal and Thanksgiving sort of seem to make sense together.

The “Your Turkey” from Black Metal Thanksgiving 2005.

The first Black Metal Thanksgiving (BMTG) took place in the late '90s in the damp, dark basement of Chris Reed (Turk Lord) and Kali’s (Dark Meatiis) house in Portland, Oregon. Portland was perfect because it’s so dark and rainy. Infinite winter and eternal darkness. Very black metal. We began the day by donning corpse paint and black attire, then we gave ourselves stupid Thanksgiving-themed black metal names [1], then we started drinking, then someone turned on some blasphemous music, and then we just started behaving in a generally evil manner until it was dinner time. Our Thanksgiving feast was incredibly evil because it was entirely vegan. Thanksgiving with no meat? So evil. Have you ever had tofurkey? Oh my god that shit is gross. I think it’s worse than meat. The Szechuan green beans, on the other hand, were amazing. I got the recipe from Dark Meatiis and I’ve prepared it many times since.

A collection of the ghouls who attended the 2003 BMTG.

We have held four of these stupid Satanic rituals. The last one was in 2005 at Rob “Whitey” McConnaghy’s (Wishbonagaar) house. While Wishbonagaar is slightly less evil than Turk Lord and Dark Meatiis, his dog, Clark (RIP), was especially diabolical. When Wishbonagaar picked us up from the airport, for instance, and we all got situated in his van, Clark said hello and then wandered into the back corner of the van and pinched out a hot turd. The dog took a shit in the van. I’d never seen that before. While the van was moving. It was very impressive. But we were forced to roll down the windows. Remember this was in Portland. Infinite winter and eternal darkness and all that. That’s hella evil. I remember remarking that it was a rather large pile of poop for such a little dog. “What do you feed Clark?” I asked.

Clark and Wishbonagaar vs. Abbath.

When we arrived at Wishbonagaar’s house and we had an opportunity to properly meet Clark and get a good look at him, we suddenly realized that he—and all Boston Terriers, for that matter—was wearing the same corpse paint configuration as Abbath, the lead singer for black metal legends, Immortal. So we started calling Clark, Abbath. Much to Wishbonagaar’s chagrin. “Cmere, Abbath, cmere!”

Pilgrimikon with the Satanic Twister board. NOTE: We felt it would be safer in this era of irrational, out-of-context, cancel culture to censor the row of swastikas because some Sensitive Nancy is sure to shit their pants over that one. Just remember: this is Black Metal Thanksgiving so we were cos-playing Satanic ding-dongs and worshipping everything that is evil, horrible, and blasphemous. Nazis, as we all know, set the bar pretty high for evil and horrible and that’s why they were included here. Please retain your #cancels for real Nazis..

Every year at BMTG there are games, festivities, and bands. One of the most popular BMTG games—a “crowd favorite,” as Turk Lord calls it—is Pin The Upside Down Cross On The Burning Church. It’s basically Pin The Tail On The Donkey, but way more evil. No one is very good at Pin The Upside Down Cross On The Burning Church for some reason. At Wishbonagaar’s house we unveiled a new game: Satanic Twister. It’s Twister, but more twisted. Instead of boring colored circles we deployed controversial symbolism circles: swastikas, upside down crosses, pentagrams, and sad faces. It was very fun to say things like, “Left hand swastika!”

Skornicopia and Feast getting all tangled up in a heated Satanic Twister match while Triptophantom and Cranbury send disapproving and harsh vibes in the background.

In Turk Lord’s damp, dungeon basement, we would always begin the meal with a little prayer. A Satanic prayer. A VERY Satanic prayer. I always thought the prayer was funny and tongue in cheek, but I’ve been told that my blessings were a little too Satanic and made some of the slightly less atheist guests uncomfortable. Dave England, for instance, lived right down the street from Turk Lord, but refused to attend any BMTG celebration because he didn’t want to offend Santa Claus or besmirch his heavenly reputation. Or something. “I don’t fuck with that shit,” was Dave’s only explanation. Turk Lord explained it simply: “He was afraid.”

So at Wishbonagaar’s house we decided to do something a little different. No Satanic prayer. Wishbonagaar is an amazing director so we thought why not make a short film to air before dinner? The result is the above video that we played for our guests at the dinner table before we carved the turkey. If you happen to be serving turkey at your table this year feel free to share this video with your guests for the darkest Thanksgiving in eternity.

Pilgrimikon and Skornicopia wish you and your stupid fucking family a horribly hellish holiday. HAIL! Cheers, everybody!

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1. I thought that my BMTG name, Pilgrimikon. was pretty good until a homosexual fellow showed up one year and chose the name, Killgrim. WHAAAAT? I punched myself in the throat for missing that most obvious BMTG portmanteau gold. Killgrim is so good.


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  • wad on

    killgrim forever

  • Rb on

    Those green beans sound good, recipe?


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