Does this sound familiar at all? If so, you were likely a devotee of Big Brother skateboard magazine, circa 1995-ish, when Mark Lewman approached us with the idea for a sporadic column entitled “Who Fucking Cares.” The idea, in a nutshell, was to talk about something grossly irrelevant that had no business being in a skateboard magazine. At all. Could be anything from tropical bird care and feeding to Scandinavian spa maintenance. Then again, this concept could have applied to most any articles printed in the magazine, contest and tour articles included. But, you'll notice, there is no question mark at the end of said title, because a query was never intended.
So, today, I’m going to combine the spirit of “Who Fucking Cares” with another glorious Big Brother tradition: self-obsessive congratulatory adulations. When it came to talking about ourselves, we were the undefeated cock in the ring. Everything in the magazine revolved around us, the Metamasters of Our Universe, so much so that some of the pros at the time grumbled about us nerds writing ourselves into the history of skateboarding. But did we really? Talk about who fucking cares.
Anyway, here’s a master list of all the garbage I’ve written for the back of our sticker pack header cards, which is, in and of itself, a who fucking cares all unto its own. What’s curious about this throwaway copy is that it didn’t start appearing until our seventh pack, where I again dipped into a Big Brother trope: Writing about writing, because we were meta before meta was even a buzzword swimming in your daddy’s pants. However, in the absurd spirit of “Look at me! Look how cute and clever I am!” I now realize how cliched and repetitive I truly am with an embarrassingly shallow bag of wordplay tricks that never fall far from the cerebral tree. All it takes is just a few months to forget what I’d written on the preceding pack and it’s a grammatical Groundhog’s Day all over again. So it goes [1].
Sticker Pack #7 (Holiday 2020)
Season’s greetings and all that jolly jazz. What you hold now in your hands—assuming you have two unless something unfortunate has happened to one, like a savage shark attack or gruesome chainsaw accident—is a poly bag containing several holiday-themed stickers. Some, however, have nothing whatsoever to do with the holidays and you shouldn’t let that alarm you in any way. These packs are really just “catch alls” for whatever crap we’re able to produce in the span of three-to-four months, which has, admittedly, been extremely tricky this COVID year. Anyway, none of this actually needed to be said, but I realized this space went unused in the past and it just struck me as a damn creative waste—although it could be argued that everything you’ve just read amounts to a creative waste, too. Ho ho ho!
Sticker Pack #8 (Spring 2021)
Way back in the glory days of science fiction, the genre’s foremost imagineers had us wearing sexy silver space suits and zipping around to all four corners of the globe via hot shit teleportation tubes. But here we are, 21 years into the new millennium, and it’s been nothing but pure pandemic pandemonium, Mike Judge’s Idiocracy (2006) come to full lunatic life, and an honest to god society of flat earthers. What the fuck, right? Hell, if Jesus once wept then Ray Bradbury must be bawling his damn dead eyes out right now. Anyhow, the one silver lining to it all is that this polyethylene bag contains cheap adhesive thrills designed to ease your mind through these ridiculous days and nights of our lives—and you’re welcome. It's the least we can do in service to the collective human condition (whatever that means).
Sticker Pack #9 (Summer 2021)
Throughout the course of this fantastic journey called life, we will experience things of such great magnitude that they will have profound influence on us until we clock out into the Great Beyond. For me, this would be the movie Thrashin’ (1986), so when shit started to go south in March 2020 with the onset of the global pandemic and no one knew what was coming around the bend next, I thought to myself, If this is it, the twilight of humankind on Earth, the fabled End of Days, what’s the last thing I want to accomplish? I’m proud to say that without any hesitation whatsoever I knew exactly what had to be done, and this polyethylene bag contains the adhesive fruits of my hypothetical last labor of hot, reckless, and totally insane love.
Sticker Pack #10 (Fall 2021)
I have said it before and I will say it again, but it is Jonathan Richman who ultimately says it best when it comes to the mesmerizing culture of vampire girls: “Gather around for a minute or two / And I’ll admit something to you / I get intrigued when women look sinister / Call me superficial, but I stare at them Vampire Girls / It’s not the mascara / It’s not the tight dress (well maybe it is) / It’s the look in the eyes that’s gonna scare you to death.” Trust me, I’m as meek and mild as they come, but there’s something both frightening and titillating about being drawn into the witchy web of a seductive black widow… much like the way you cannot resist the sticky thrills of our cheap adhesives, where you very well could (and may!) get a serious paper cut at any given moment. So beware, take care! Beware…
Sticker Pack #11 (Spring 2022)
It’s no secret I’m a sucker for song lyrics. You’ll see them strewn higgledy-piggledy throughout all the various aspects of StrangeLove—from the website to these dumb little header cards (not to mention our formidable social media presence)—and today’s token snippet comes from Tame Impala: “Feels like we only go backwards, darling.” But you can’t go forward without looking back (not true), so with this adhesive go-round (merry, isn’t it?) we pay tribute to that which came before, that which is now, and that which is coming (make of that what you euphemistically will). Needless to say I’m also a sucker for parenthetical asides, because (oh boy, here comes another one) there’s a war inside my head. It is, however, not as grim and dismal as Suicidal Tendencies would make it out to be… mine is much more akin to the PBS bickerings of Bert and Ernie.
Sticker Pack #12 (Summer 2022)
I’ve often quipped how in the 33 years I’ve been drawing board graphics that my very first one for Ray Barbe in 1989 remains to be the most popular of all and how that doesn’t say a whole heck of a lot about the rest of my career—and I’m okay with that. I seriously don’t know how I wound up creating a graphic that would remain synonymous with his good name throughout all these years, but I’ll be forever glad I did and I’m even more stoked he graciously allowed us to do a special guest Rag Doll appearance for him under the StrangeLove banner. So thank you, Ray. This one means a lot to me. So much so, in fact, that I went full sentimental sap and completely dropped the silly, nonsensical manner in which I usually approach these header card spiels—and that is saying a whole heck of a lot.
Sticker Pack #13 (Fall 2022)
Part of me just wants to cop out—ha! It’s a po-po pun!—and simply copy-and-paste the description from our hot shit toy boxes here, but another part of me knows that’s lazy as fuck and I’d never forgive myself for doing so… if only because I know there would always be this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that my mental bandwidth must have finally crapped out and it’s all dial-up synapses from here on out. I’m already dealing with an inner cacophony that would put the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to shame (although I really do wish I had a pair of their magic underwear), so maybe I’ll just take a sly page out of Buford’s playbook and sign off on the highest low note possible: FART.
Sticker Pack #14 (Spring 2023)
I bet you expected something cute like “StrangeLove Sticker Pack #420,” didn’t you? It’s okay. I did almost go that gimmicky route for a hot, baked second or two, but ultimately chose to obviate the obvious and stay the orderly numeric course. Nevertheless, this pack does celebrate that annual day of the year when high life isn’t relegated to the consumption of Miller Brewing products but rather the inhalation and ingestion of all things cannabinoid—or at least those of the psychoactive tetrahydrocannabinol persuasion. This sure as shit ain’t science class, though, so let’s fuck off with all the highfalutin 10-dollar words cuz we’re really just dealing with weed here. More specifically so, the longstanding legacy of illustrated strains created by our good bud Todd Bratrud, who handpicked this blazing batch of nuggets from his past and present work solely for your adhesive pleasure.
Sticker Pack #15 (Spring 2023)
What did Al Jourgensen say, “Every day is Halloween” or some dance mix shit like that? It doesn’t really matter, though, because that’s not even how I wanted to start this out. So, here’s what I meant to say: Hot topics and emo antics. That’s what we’re know for, right? But what else would you expect (rhetorically speaking of course), considering we’re just a bunch of sensitive artists at heart. Well, I mean, Nick isn’t an artist, but he does emote more than any drawing wallflower I know—especially so for a businessman, which, come to think of it, may now perfectly explain why the two of us resorted to creating this nutshell of a corporate sham for ourselves to hide out up in the musty attic of the skateboard industry.
Sticker Pack #16 (Summer 2023)
Parlez-vous Fraçais? Honestly, it doesn’t matter. I mean, good for you if you do, but the query was merely a rhetorical ice breaker. Or, in other words, a cheap way for me to segue into abusing the only words I know in the language: “C’est la vie,” which I believe is French for “Go fuck yourself,” and then of course the worldwide favorite of “merde,” aka “shit.” All that said, I should now probably say, “Pardon my French,” because all I’m doing is indulging in profanity for no good reason whatsoever. But hey, guess what: c’est la vie! Anyway, if you habitually stayed up late on the weekends to catch Night Flight on the USA Network then consider yourself one of us and that no further explanation is necessary.
Sticker Pack #17 (Fall 2023)
If ever a case for burning piles and piles of books was to be made, look no further than us. We’re all deviant byproducts of the literature we voraciously consumed as impressionable young shitasses who swallowed that “reading is fundamental” propaganda hook, line, and sinker. So yes, libraries are indeed The Devil’s institution, because it was in those very musty aisles that our minds were opened—I mean, warped by heretical miscreants, aka “authors,” who diabolically exposed us to brave new worlds and blasphemous acts of freethinking. Where was Guy Montag and his trusty flamethrower when our Great Nation needed him most? Fortunately, hotter heads are prevailing today, so 451° of repression and miseducation are just around the mind-numbing, dystopian bend. In Gilead’s name we combust. Amen.
Sticker Pack #18 (Winter 2024)
As Clyde Singleton will happily attest, the history of skateboarding was not entirely written according to the Gospel of California. A large concrete chunk can ultimately be attributed to Florida—yes, that Florida, America’s foremost ongoing dumpster fire. All that godawful governonsense aside, though, when it comes to skateboarding the state can indeed go toe-to-toe in a rock ‘em sock ‘em historical bout with California. From pioneers and innovators to skate parks, skate lore, and diehard skate lifers, the overgrown backwoods and pastel cityscapes remain to be one of skateboarding’s greatest natural resources. So, Ponce de Leon may have not been such an intrepid idjit after all, what with skateboarding being considered the Fountain of Youth… he just happened to be 460 odd years ahead of his time.
Sticker Pack #19 (Spring 2024)
Nobody loves history more than a skateboarder. Give ‘em a chance to celebrate anything that happened just a year or two ago and the next thing you know there’s an anniversary shindig, a retrospective art event, an elevated collaboration, a tight li’l commemorative capsule collection, and a whole social media campaign. That said, not all institutions in skateboarding manage to span the decades—let alone three—and the Skatepark of Tampa should definitely be considered one of our National Treasures for doing so. I mean, c’mon, 30 years of existence for a privately owned skatepark? Get the fuck outta here. So, hats off to Brian Schaefer and all of his past and present crew for their ability to not only live, thrive, and survive, but for providing a raucous halfway house to skateboarders throughout the generations.
Sticker Pack #20 (Spring 2024)
Yep, it’s that magical time of the year when we let Todd Bratrud have his 420 way, and this is but one of the adhesive accompaniments to said plant-based event for 2024. I hope you caught the big “but” qualifier in there, because two distinct strains of Todd’s stickers exist: sativa and indica. The differences are pretty obvious, I think, what with the whole green vs. purple thing going on, but perhaps not so much if you’re color-blind in the visually impaired sense. On that peculiar note, if you are indeed unable to discern which pack is which based solely on the colors, maybe don’t be such a superficial nincompoop. For one, each blend is clearly identified, and two, entirely different stickers reside within each (for the most part). So, if you only bought one, just know that your 420 experience is incomplete.
Sticker Pack #21 (Summer 2024)
We’re 21! Or rather this sticker pack is, not us, we’re old as the day is long… whatever that means? Idioms, who knows. Anyway, in US of A terms, this sticker pack could now officially drink if it wanted to. But why would it? It’s an inanimate object. You could throw it, I suppose, thus giving it a briefly animated second or two of life, but that doesn’t really count. I one was truly desperate and in the proverbial pinch this polyethylene bag could be used to hold alcohol for consumption, but then you’re also risking further contamination by microplastics. Did you know scientists are now finding these plasti-particles in the testes of men leading to overall lower sperm counts? Yes, we as a species really stepped in it this time. Not quite the fantastic doomsday I’d envisioned… just some old DuPont doo doo. Hooray for us!
Sticker Pack #22 (Fall 2024)
How do we prepare boys and empower girls to be the new brave and the bold in this modern world of normalized disorder? Easy! We educate them through a value system based on the Scout Promise and Law, to help build a world where people are fortified as individuals and play a constructive role throughout the decline of Western civilization. And, who better than Winston Tseng to provide an updated list of all the requirements to the merit badge program, whereby introducing youth to new vital life skills and allowing them to examine subjects to determine if they would like to further pursue them as a career, vocation, or simple means of survival. So, if you’re looking for an extracurricular that will help you stand ahead of the pack in the daily trials of life to come, don’t delay… join today! We are Troop 138.
Sticker Pack #23 (Fall 2024)
If you thought the “Satanic Panic” was just a Stranger Things thing, think again, because it was indeed the real holy reelin’ deal in the ‘80s when fear gripped the Bible Belt in the evil face of heavy metal music, Dungeons & Dragons role playing, and, of course, skateboarding. Yes, the Devil Himself was accused of corrupting the youth through cunning pop-culture means. Entire towns fretted over arcane “Rat Bones” graffiti in local drainage ditches cum sacrificial gathering places, and any clothing items emblazoned with the backwards-masked “NATAS” message were banned from schools. Okay, so maybe there was that one kid who went bananas on LSD and stabbed a friend to death while screaming “Say you love Satan!” but that didn’t mean every Jessie, Jason, and Damien had gone off the demonic deep-end, too.
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1. Case in point. I abuse this creation of Kurt Vonnegut's so damn much that I should be incarcerated life sentences over. Especially because it's never ever nowhere near the sardonic usage in which it was first employed in Slaughterhouse-Five, or, The Children's Crusade: A Duty-Dance with Death (1969).