Captain, there are doubts...
Captain, there are doubts...
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sent, volume 2, by dave carnie

By Dave Carnie

Welcome to the latest edition of SENT where I present the ham-fisted highlights from the stupid emails that I sent last week…

This image is best experienced in its natural habitat with sound at Evil Bricks.

From: David Carnie

Date: Wednesday, May 12, 2021 at 12:21 PM

To: sean cliver, Nick Halkias

Subject: Re: sent 01

i want to quote a danzig story that andreas [trolf] sent me, but i realized that would be violating the SENT rules (didn’t know i had any?) that state: anything that goes into SENT has to have been sent by me. those are the rules, i didn’t make them up. (who did?) anyway, andreas was inspired by the danzig vs. kiedis post to send me this story about a pile of bricks in front of danzig’s house and I thought you might enjoy this story if you haven’t heard it already:

Here’s a closer view of Danzig’s Evil Bricks.

“The bricks story: okay, so you know Danzig's former place on Franklin in Los Feliz?” Andreas wrote. “The house where you could drive down the street with someone who'd never been there and ask them to guess which house belonged to Danzig and no one would ever guess wrong. I used to live up the street and for a few months in maybe 2013, there was a huge pile of bricks in the front yard. And it just stayed there. It didn't look like there was any construction going on. The bricks were just there being bricks, doing nothing. Then one day they were gone. This mystified me. I don't know why. They were DANZIG'S BRICKS and I felt like that was enough for me to be invested. … The gist was this: The pile of bricks had been sitting there for long enough, and was large enough (see image), to raise the ire of another neighbor who complained to Glenn via a letter that he was trying to sell his house and was concerned that the pile of bricks was bringing down property values (had this neighbor not actually seen the state of the rest of the house???). And thus began a long and bitter feud. Eventually there may have been some sort of lawsuit threatened and Glenn begrudgingly removed the bricks, but the best part was that he did so by renting a dumpster and chucking the bricks one at a time into it, HIMSELF, which, some intrepid genius captured on film. Angry, hulking Danzig hucking bricks into a dumpster. Much like the kitty litter pic, I can't even think about this without cracking up.”

I enjoy that people started posing with the Evil Bricks like it was a tourist destination. “All in all, you’re just another brick in the tall… weeds growing in Danzig’s front yard.”

I love that this one was planned. “Today we are going to visit Danzig’s house and—oh shit, I should wear my Misfits shirt, huh?”

as funny as that story is, it’s also very sad to me. i hate the idea of danzig having to chuck bricks. even more, i hate that he lost to some dumb uppity neighbor. maybe he stepped to the neighbor and the neighbor knocked him the fuck out, too, just like fucko from north side kings did? “okay, fine, i’ll move the bricks…” and how bout that evil bricks page? the more i stared and listened, the more i thought, “yeah, how else would you display this image? this is perfect.”  –dave

[POSTSCRIPT: I have to admit I went down a bit of a rabbit hole with this story. For instance, I still have no idea what the Evil Bricks were originally acquired for? I also can’t find the purported video of Danzig cleaning up the bricks? So many questions. Although I did learn, according to the nerds at grimmlifecollective, that Danzig no longer lives in the Evil Brick house, but still owns it. His new LA house (also shown in the video link) is much nicer and was once owned by Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez. Please let us know if you have any further information about Danzig’s Evil Bricks.]

I can tell by the exasperated finger that this person is as concerned about the pile as I am: the Evil Bricks have been disturbed! (WARNING: more Pink Floyd punning approaching...) “Hey! Danzig! Leave those bricks alone!”

******************

From: David Carnie

Date: Monday, May 10, 2021 at 9:35 AM

To: Miles

Subject: Re: Art for stupids

[For reference, my email below begins in response to my friend Miles who wrote: “I like to joke that bitcoin is as stupid as Leprechaun foreskins in terms of value. They are worth exactly the same, 1:1. And someday, with a little luck, I'll be sitting on a mountain of them.”]

leprechaun foreskins! i won’t be surprised if that’s not in finnegans wake, but i have to have a look on fweet… nope. and surprisingly only two references to leprechauns. i would have expected more. although this is a very significant sentence that the second leprechaun reference is in:

“But could you, of course, decent Lettrechaun, we knew (to change your name of not your nation) while still in the barrel, read the strangewrote anaglyptics of those shemletters patent for His Christian's Em?”

the two twin brothers, shem and shaun, are opposites. in their most basic form they’re shem the penman (the artist/writer) and shaun the post (as in postman, he’s the jock/cop). one writes em, one delivers em. they’re also brutus/casius, yin/yang, etc. so lettrechaun is a mashup of leprechaun and shaun the letter man. and then shem appears in “shemletters” next.

you can also see the mother and father in that sentence. mother is anna livia plurabelle or ALP and father is humphrey chimpden earwicker HCE. the latter is easily spotted in “His Christian’s Em” (which echoes “his most christian majesty,” a term the french use apparently). but ALP is a little more hidden in “AnagLyPtics.”

i was hoping to find their sister, issy, in there as well, but i don’t.

anyway. i’ll stop there. i like leprechaun foreskins. have you considered starting a band by that name? —dave

I recognize that The Jolly Green Giant is not a leprechaun, or even Irish, but he presumably has a green cock and I would also imagine that it’s uncircumcised? Because who in their right mind is going to approach a giant’s junk with a knife and the ambition to harvest his foreskin?

******************

From: David Carnie

Date: Thursday, May 13, 2021 at 8:10 AM

To: sean cliver, Nick Halkias

Subject: Re: sent 01

[Sean had previously written, “if you really want to waste your day away, follow bam’s IG account and catch what mania you can before his mom deletes it.”]

after i read your email last night, i went and looked at bam’s ig and i could tell immediately something was amiss. i think the first comment i read was, “wonder how long before this one is deleted?” i think it was a picture of young bam on the cover of inked magazine? another comment said something to the effect of, “he posts a bunch of current pics and rants about his situation, then starts to lose steam and starts reminiscing about when he was cool.” Repeat.

my favorite exchange in the comments began:

@shitlord_archive Go to bed dude

i love this simple, perfectly reasonable comment to bam. how many times have we all said that to our drunk tweaker friend who just doesn’t know when to stop? you get to a point where you’ve exhausted every avenue of reason and you’re just so annoyed the only thing you can say is, oh my god will you just shut the fuck up and go to bed, dude!

the entirety of this brilliant exchange was as follows:

@shitlord_archive Go to bed dude

@highskyrider8 @shitlord_archive you go to bed

@shitlord_archive @highskyrider8 I am actually in bed right now.

@zakaraialdn @shitlord_archive what a sad life you lead

@shitlord_archive @zakaraialdn because i’m in a bed?

@miserablekidsclub @shitlord_archive why tho

@shitlord_archive @miserablekidsclub bed time

naturally i hit “follow” for @shitlord_archive. i need to see what’s going on over there at shitlord industries because that exchange was handled magnificently from start to finish. nice work, shitlord.

but ultimately i did not venture down into bam’s rabbit hole ("i should hope not!"). no thanks. i saw the turmoil awhirl in his IG feed and decided to walk away—i’m not invested, too far behind in the story, and i just don’t care. i mean, I wish bam well, but it feels like i’ve made these very same wishes on behalf of bam’s wellness a number of times over the last decade or so? oh well, i still hope he gets well. -dave

******************

“Buttfuck Your Own Face,” by Sockeye

From: David Carnie

Date: Saturday, May 15, 2021 at 6:57 AM

To: mark taylor

Subject: Re: take 2

[In response to a line at the end of the Grand Canyon Greg post, “I buttfucked Jesus right in his fucking mouth yesterday,” my friend Mark (who is from Ohio) wondered how I could possibly have heard a “shitty punk band from Kent, Ohio called Sockeye,” who recorded “a song about face buttfucking.” This was my response:]

[Sockeye] are masters at album/song titles, i can’t wait to listen to “retards hiss by my window,” but i think i might be even more excited about, "i've got an indian reservation in my cum."

their song “saint retard” is also a great title and should be a band name. have i ever told you about jill? here’s the PSA video source. you will go to hell for laughing at this, but i challenge you to not laugh:

I know, I know, but one cannot not laugh at this video. And in my experiences with people with Down syndrome, I’m pretty sure even they would laugh at this. Please see my NOTE below that addresses the “politically correct” issues this post generates.

when i saw that menstruation video i fell in love with jill and essentially made her the big brother mascot. mostly because i wanted to use her as our official executive scapegoat. shit was always going wrong, we were always messing up, losing shit, people hated us, and i just wanted someone to blame it on. jill seemed perfect because how could anyone get mad at jill? She’s adorable.

“jill did it. AGAIN! fuckin jill.”

unfortunately, donna, the vice president of larry flynt publications, had an unusually strong reaction to my jill joke and 86d her the very first time i tried to put her in the mag. it was weird because usually i could negotiate with donna on these issues, but jill was a straight up, NOPE. this was also one of those instances where i was like, “really? this is what you want me to take out? did you see that shit four pages ago? and you’re cool with that, but not this? okay.”

i thought it was weird, so i was curious what would happen if i tried to sneak jill in the next issue. donna caught it again and said NOPE. so then it became this cat and mouse game where i’d try to hide jill and see if donna would find it. she did every time but one.

I managed to finally sneak Jill on to the cover of one of the Red Herrings in Issue 95 (far right), but, as you can see, it wasn’t much of a victory considering the image is so distressed and processed, she’s barely recognizable, and I couldn’t put her name on it. Not my best Red Herring, but the goal was simply to get Jill into print and in that I succeeded. And Gary succeeded in managing to look very drunk, didn’t he?

but donna’s disgust of our retard jokes [again, see below] was always very odd to me and so i concocted a fictional backstory to explain it:

donna had an illegitimate baby back in the 70s when everyone in porn was swinging and having orgies. the baby had down syndrome and she was so ashamed of her child that she buried it in the woods and she has been haunted by nightmares ever since. –dave

[NOTE: Much like the words “gay” and “faggot,” we do not use the word “retard” or “retarded” in a pejorative or derogatory sense anymore. My wife and I are supporters of the Down syndrome community—I almost want to say we’re “fans.” To learn more about Down syndrome please visit the links below.

National Down Syndrome Society

First, the NDDS: a great resource for learning the facts about Down syndrome. Also comes with a “Preferred Language Guide” so you can familiarize yourself with the polite terminology when discussing cognitive disabilities—it should come as no surprise that “retard” and “retarded” are discouraged.

The A&E Emmy award winning show, Born This Way, “follows the lives of seven young adults with Down syndrome as they forge independent lives, enter relationships and contend with stereotypes.” It’s hilarious, heart warming, inspiring, and you’ll find yourself using the cast’s catchphrase and rallying cry, “Don’t limit me!” in your everyday life. We’re huge fans.

This is one of the best movies ever: “In a school for individuals with Down syndrome, four middle-aged friends yearn for a life of greater autonomy in a society that marginalizes them as disabled. The Grown-Ups is a humorous and at times sad and uncomfortable look at the tragic limbo of conscious adults. (Winner, Best Female-Directed Film at the 2016 International Documentary Film Festival Amsterdam.)”

“Pretty Girls,” by Kids Of Widney High.

The Kids Of Widney High

Everyone at Big Brother was a fan of KOWH and I was lucky enough to meet and interview them for the mag. Tania and I are not rich, and thus not as charitable as we’d like to be, but we always try to support KOWH and buy whatever they’re selling. We just purchased a couple copies of The Kids Of Widney High book for friends, for instance. You should order a copy, too.

So, in conclusion, in mocking the fictional reality that creationists invented for themselves in my post about Grand Canyon Greg, I invented my own absurd fictional reality in which I “buttfucked Jesus right in the mouth.” This caused my friend, Mark, to wonder how I had ever heard an obscure punk band that he grew up with in Kent, OH called, Sockeye, who perform a song titled, “Buttfuck Your Own Face”? In perusing Sockeye’s extensive catalog I noticed that they have a lot of songs about “retards” and that reminded me of a time when I made similar jokes in bad taste. We have since abandoned such hurtful terminology from our vocabulary and offer our heartfelt support and encouragement to the Down syndrome community. The end.

Incidentally, I originally heard the term, “buttfuck you in the mouth,” from my friend, Ray, who is also from Kent and friends with Mark and the members of Sockeye. When I asked Ray if that was the origin of the term he replied, “I really don’t know who said it first, but my money would go to, Darrell Martin, or his brother, Masturbating Dave. It’s not a far stretch to say that ‘Buttfuck Your Mouth’ was just common language thirty some years ago. We drank a lot and SOCKEYE RULES! We also liked to weave our ass hair into an Indian blanket.”

So we solve the mystery of where one vulgar phrase comes from only to open the door on yet another offensive and inappropriate mystery: what the fuck is an ass hair Indian blanket?]


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  • Rude boy greg on

    Listen to MAD CONDUCTOR!!!! STARRY SAFARI


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