Throwing candy bars in the pool…
Throwing candy bars in the pool…
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sent, volume 4, by dave carnie

Welcome to the latest edition of SENT where I present the ham-fisted highlights from the stupid emails that I sent last week (-ish)…

<<<<<<< 1. Shart >>>>>>>>

When I did an image search for “shart” I was expecting to find images of shit-stained underwear. Not so much. Lots of images of “Shart Week” (meh), though. But then there was this one: Pie Shart. Pretty good. Big shart-out to the artist.

From: David Carnie

Date: Friday, October 8, 2021 at 9:10 AM

To: Jeff Tremaine, Shanna Zablow, Ryan Stutt, Slater Wayne

Subject: SHARTS

i was thinking of the brief disagreement we had in our zoom meeting about whether sharting qualifies as shitting one’s pants and i felt the need to begin drafting a definition. i’ll begin by saying that i agree with jeff: a shart is a shit. and this differs from the definition that i found online and what i believe the position shanna was defending:

shart |SHärt|

noun: an instance of expelling feces accidentally when breaking wind.

i disagree with this definition because it suggests that the shit is a byproduct of the fart. we know that is not true because farts are generated from feces—the shit is the antecedent to the fart. i believe the definition should be adjusted.

SHART: a shart is, as the name implies, a shit/fart, but it is technically a shit as it belongs to the family of solids and not gases. the confusion lies in the fact that a shart begins its life disguised as a fart. it deceives its host’s colon into believing it is a harmless gas, but when it actually emerges from the anus it appears in its true form: as a solid shit. it might be a wet shit, or a little shit, or a little wet shit, but it is a shit nonetheless. therefore the new definition should be:

i should probably create a taxonomic classification system for all the different species of shits, huh? besides sharts, there is diarrhea—that’s a whole species of feces in and of itself—OH! someone has already done this? everybody, I’m going to need you all to study the Bristol Stool Scale. 

The Bristol Stool Scale (above). The Type 1 Hessian Haircut (below), incidentally, is just the standard long hair parted in the middle. The Type 2 Hessian Haircut is also known as either “The Primus Haircut” or “The Jason Newsted Haircut”: it’s kind of like the Type 1 + a mohawk. We’ve never gone past the Type 2 so I have no idea what a Type 3 or a Type 4 Hessian Haircut is. More on that later.

while the bristol stool scale is interesting, and helpful, i feel it’s a little too clinical and needs a little more character. also, we’re already using terms like type 1 and type 2 for our hessian haircut classification system. there’s good reason why the human being is designed with its poop system located so far away—and south—of its hair system.

every time i say, “type 2 hessian haircut,” tania gets really mad and demands to know what this classification system really is. “it’s always type 2, what is a type 1, is there a type 3, what the fuck is this?” she’ll demand. i’ve been meaning to write it out for about 20 years now, but i also enjoy the fact that i have no idea what i’m talking about. and she’s adorable when she gets mad at the hessian haircut classification system. “i don’t know, tania, hessians are a mysterious species…”

anyway, lots of work to do, guys. for one, we need a caca classification system. i’ll get sharted on it right away! -dave

<<<<<<<< 2. Gino’s Trivia Rolls >>>>>>>>

Someone named Erec recently wrote me the following email: "Good morning, I was hoping you may be able to help me. I am trying to enter a raffle for the up coming “mummy” SBs. And In order to enter, there is a trivia question: “what is the location that Gino Iannucci is skateboarding on the cover of the January 2004 Big Brother Skateboarding Magazine.” I figured, why not ask the person himself who was associated with the magazine. I hope you can help, thank you so much, Erec."

From: David Carnie

Date: Monday, October 25, 2021 at 1:46 PM

To: Erec

Subject: Question

sorry for the late reply. it’s a switch flip down a set of stairs, but the caption doesn’t say where it is. my best guess, though is: italy. there’s an italy tour article in that issue and gino was on that trip, so i have to assume it was in italy. -dave

[UPDATE: Erec thanked me for my reply, but explained that he had also reached out to Reda, who shot it, and learned that it’s a spot in Long Island. So I was wrong. But to my credit is there really that big of a difference between Italy and Long Island? Also Erec did not win the Mummy SBs. I feel like he’s better off without them.]

<<<<<<<<<< 3. In An Oyster’s Gerden >>>>>>>>

In the email below, I mention that one of our new favorite shows is I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson. I chose the skit above as an example of the show because he says “horse cock” at least four times in it. I should also mention that the email below is evidence of how much I miss the quote section from Big Brother because to this day I still record quotes despite there being no destination for them. Except for the ones out of Tania’s mouth. They go in a doc titled, “Shit My Wife Says.”

From: David Carnie

Date: Monday, September 27, 2021 at 9:14 AM

To: Mark Taylor

Subject: ger/den

the tania quote i wanted to share with you is the top one on the list below. i enjoy that it needs to be read twice to be appreciated. i threw in a few more of the samples i discovered yesterday:

“Ger/Den looks like ‘garden,’ but stupid. ‘Herr gerrs! Ermigash! Lerk at the kurrots I grer un mah gerden!’”
—Tania, regarding a World Cup match between Germany and Denmark.
“She’s so French every time you see her you cry mustard.”
—Tania, regarding some French lady she works with.
“Or they have to turn the shower on with their feet."
—Tania, on the subject of an armless person wiping their butt.
“Richard Blaize is the human equivalent of the United VIP Lounge at the Newark Airport.”
—Tania on Chef Richard Blaize.
“Those onions were an act of aggression.”
—Tania, regarding a garnish of pearl onions with her cheese lunch in Basel, Switzerland.

and the skit comedy show i was talking about is “i think you should leave.” good seeing you. thanks for driving. talk soon. –dave

In the midst of Mark’s reply to the above email he mentioned—apropos of nothing—that he was now into these weird oyster plates. Mark, it should be known, is really into oysters. “Nineteenth Century Majolica Palissy Fish Heads Oyster Plate $2,175 (!!!): A rare Palissy oyster platter with twelve fish heads shells attributed to the School of Paris, a French group of ceramists inspired by Bernard Palissy at the end of 19th century. Bernard Palissy (c. 1510 – c. 1589) was a French Huguenot potter, hydraulics engineer, and craftsman, famous for having struggled for sixteen years to imitate Chinese porcelain. He is best known for his so-called ‘rusticware,’ typically highly decorated large oval platters featuring small animals in relief among vegetation, the animals apparently often being moulded from casts taken of dead specimens.”

When I was young I wanted to be into all the weirdest, coolest, most obscure shit. Had I known about the Oyster Platter Collector’s Society back then I would have reconsidered my relationship to skateboarding and punk rock. (The above example is from the Palissy Workshop, circa 1575-1600. And it’s fucking gross.)

<<<<<<<<<<4. Tony Hawk’s Menu Shelf >>>>>>>>>

Tony Hawk recently invited Tania and I to dinner at, Addison, the only two-star Michelin restaurant in San Diego. After dinner we were invited into the kitchen to meet the chef: (from left) me, Kevin Staab, Tania, Tony, and Chef William Bradley.

From: David Carnie

Date: Friday, October 8, 2021 at 8:35 AM

To: Tony Hawk

Subject: augur hawk

so we should just meet you guys at addison at 6pm?

oh i should probably check addison’s dress code, huh? … oh they’re cool. i always make sure i comply with the dress code because at the french laundry a jacket and tie is required and on the day we visited we watched someone arrive without a jacket and tie and i never want to be that guy.

the french laundry was kind enough to provide the man with the necessary attire, but i got the feeling there was a message being sent by the staff, like: “really, dude? we have to dress you? very well, here you go, ye fuckin jackass.” because what they gave him was essentially a thrift store jacket and tie from the 70s.

Pimp Natas and Pimp Gonz. Photo: J. Grant Brittain.

it was the french laundry, so the jacket/tie wasn’t completely gonz/natas/70s absurd, but there was certainly an element of public shaming involved because the jacket really stood out. it was the formal attire equivalent of the shoes you rent at the bowling alley. “you can’t show up in proper attire? well then we’ll dress you like a fuckin clown, ye clown.” i’ve been concerned about dress codes ever since.

anyway, we’re going to drive down around noonish tomorrow and check in. we’re super excited. talk soon. -dave

By the looks of the food we are in the dessert courses—I lost track long before this stage, but based on the menu I have from the evening (which we keep in our “Menu Drawer” collection—interesting fact: Tony Hawk has a “Menu Shelf”) it appears we’re somewhere around the 15th course and everyone is tucking into “Yuzu Custard, Ginger Jelly, Green Tea” (no idea what that is, but it was delicious) and I believe those purple things are the “Berry-Beet Tartelettes, Verjus, Vanilla.” Thank you Chef Bradley for the amazing food and a huge thank you to Tony Hawk for an incredible evening.

<<<<<<<<<<5. A Priest Ate It >>>>>>>>>

Saturn Devouring His Son, by Peter Paul Rubens (1636). As you’ll surely recall, there’s a famous scene in the Christian myth in which that god also murders his son. And since priests are supposed to behave In Persona Christi (“act as Christ/god”), it would follow that they too should murder their children. Or at least have a lil nibble on their nipples.

From: David Carnie

Date: Thursday, July 8, 2021 at 4:47 PM

To: Ryan Stutt, Slater Wayne

Subject: Re: lil red shorts (in a lil red suitcase)

hey slater,

yes, those time slots work for me as well.

thanks for setting it up. a priest ate it.

that’s supposed to sound like “appreciate it” (sort of a homophone/portmanteau) and when i wrote it seemed like the most normal thing in the world, like “see ye later alligator," until it occurred to me that “a priest ate it" is probably not a thing? i just googled it and, yeah, it’s not a thing. the only thing that came up was a bible verse, leviticus 6:26 “the priest who offers it shall eat it.” that doesn’t even make any sense.

but this has become a thing with me in recent years and it’s slightly alarming: i make up phrases that don’t exist thinking that they do exist. one of the earliest and most notable examples is, “smoove as duckins.” i was trying to say that something was very smooth, or that an operation went smoothly, “as smoove as duckins.”

if you totally me a story about someone else who was doing this i would probably think, “oh how cool, that’s very odd, but also very interesting,” but since it’s me it feels more crazy than clever—like me brains be misfiring.

anyway. thanks, slater. appreciate it. -dave

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  • tony wadd on

    I’ve only ever heard the term as “slicker than baby shit”

  • Dr Elsternwick Gambino on

    “As smoove as duckins" is walking the same line as the phrase “As slick as duck shit”, so consider yourself other right track, Dave.

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