By Dave Carnie
This year has been a total dick. The Chinese call 2020 “The Year Of The Rat,” and while a dirty sewer rat is certainly an apt representative of this year , I feel it’s a little unfair to the rat to blame our diminished quality of life on them. The only thing rats ever did wrong was evolve into humans. That was just stupid. Why would you evolve into a creature that is going to perform cruel and inhumane experiments on you, its own ancestor? (We evolved from rats, right?) Anyway, rats are gross, sure, but is a rat really going to buttfuck you right in the mouth for an entire year like 2020 has done? I don’t think so. I think we can all agree that this year needs a much stronger mascot and that’s why I’m calling 2020 “The Year Of The Dick.”
While you might be tempted to say that whales have the biggest dicks in the world, the title actually goes to a much smaller creature—one that often lives on the underside of a whale.
Not just any dick, a really big dick. A dick so big that it tears your anus to pieces and makes you cry feces. Just like 2020. How hard did 2020 buttfuck you?
What’s funny is that I really did get buttfucked in 2020—hard—I had a colonoscopy in April. The doctor fucked the shit out of me. He jammed a camera so far up my ass that it ended up in another universe where spaceships were shooting lasers at alien polyp invaders and shit—PEW! PEW! PEW! We’ve all lost a lot this year so it’s no surprise, really, that I also lost my virginity.
I will say, however, that the colonoscopy was worth it if only for the symphony my anus conducted when we got home. Even if you saw and heard the recording of this asshole’s astonishing performance that I posted earlier this year, I think it’s worth revisiting. I would nominate it for “Best Original Score” in The Year Of The Dick, if there were such a thing—it’s like an anal anthem for 2020:
A colonoscopy gives you gas. Lots of gas. Apparently they pump air up your butt during the procedure and, well, what goes up must come down, I guess? I managed to document a small sampling of my post colonoscopy symphony. My favorite part is that our dachshunds, Pencil and Waffle, are trying to spoon with me, but they were deeply disturbed by the bombastic repertoire my Backdoor Phartharmonic Orchestra was performing.
Since we’re approaching the end of 2020 it made me wonder: what was the Biggest Dick in The Year Of The Dick? There are, of course, a lot of dicks to choose from in this year of dicks, but there is in fact one truly colossal dick that stands cock and balls above all the rest.
The winner of the Biggest Dick in 2020, The Year Of The Dick, goes to… [drum roll.]
Yep, those little shells that stick to rocks in the ocean have, once again, received the award for the Biggest Dick in the world. It might be short, but it’s skinny!
Look at all those lecherous barnacles waving their dicks around and fucking the shit out of each other. Barnacle bacchanalia.
Barnacles? You wonder aloud. Yes, barnacles have the biggest dicks. The blue whale might possess the largest penis on the planet, but size is relative. The species with the largest penis-to-body ratio is the barnacle. Their penises are nearly eight times their total body length. I think the average barnacle penis ultimately amounts to less than an inch or so, but if you were to imagine a human being with the same penis-to-body ratio our penises would be around 50 feet in length.
As you can see from this scientific illustration that compares an adult killer whale with a human male penis that has been extended to a length that reflects the 8-to-1 body-to-penis ratio of a barnacle, that the human barnacle cock is, at 50 feet, nearly twice the length of a whale. So not only would you have a penis bigger than a whale’s cock, it would be bigger than an entire whale.
“The barnacle’s penis is long for a reason: their sessile lifestyle makes sexual reproduction difficult. Since the organisms cannot leave their shells to mate they use their extraordinarily long penises to reach other nearby crustaceans, blindly depositing sperm inside their neighbors.”
If I had a 50-foot-penis I could, while sitting on my couch (sessile lifestyle!), stick my dick in my neighbors’ front window. And then blindly deposit some sperm in their living room. I mean, think of how fucking weird that would be to have a penis that is eight times your size? What would you do with it?
I’m not sure why my brain chose to explore this question visually through sport, but that was the first thing that came to mind: sports. I don’t even watch sports. In fact one of the few good things about all this Covid shit is that there has been no sport. But here we are about to imagine how a 50-foot-penis would affect sports. As they say, “These are unprecedented times.”
Below are a handful of horrible illustrations I made of what sports might look like if they were infiltrated by humans with 50-foot-long penises.
First, while you are viewing the images below, please keep in mind that I like to imagine that we would be able to unfurl and furl our 50-foot-long prehensile penises like a party noisemaker horn. When it’s not in use, the 50-foot-long prehensile penis is safely wound up in its crotch until it sees something that interests it, at which point it rapidly unfurls—vroom, vroom, vroom!—to its full length, and connects with its target, BAM! Then the 50-foot-long penis quickly retreats back to the safety of its crotch like a tape measure. As you can surely imagine, some dudes will have a neatly wound fire hose stored between their legs, while others will have a leaky, tangled garden hose all knotted up in their front yard.
The very first thing I thought of doing with my 50-foot barnacle penis was being a pitcher in a baseball game and getting a blowjob from the catcher. I have no idea why and my only excuse is, again, “unprecedented times.” Unfortunately, I learned that the pitcher’s mound in MLB is 60’ 6” from the catcher and thus a little further than my 50-foot-long penis can reach. In Little League baseball, however, the mound is only 46’ away from the catcher—so I can easily get my wang over the plate and into that kid’s face. Although I’d have to worry about the other kid with the bat: he could whack the screwball at the end of my prick right out of the park then stomp on what’s left of my tattered shaft with his cleats. (The count in the above image, by the way, is two balls, one spike.)
If I were playing basketball with a 50-foot magic Johnson, I’d slam dunk that thing from the 3-point line and fuck the shit out of the hoop. Nothing but net.
A common offensive strategy in hockey is to position one or more of your forwards in front of the other team’s goalie to disrupt his view. The thinking goes: if the goalie can’t see the puck, he can’t stop it. But a defenseman on the blue line outfitted with a 50-foot “stick” could create that same distraction himself in a safer and more effective manner by waving his dick around in the goalie’s face. The goalie then has to worry not only about the fuck, but also about getting pucked—in his crease, of course.
I think skateboarding was absent from my mind when I began imagining what one could do with a 50-foot-penis because you can’t cheat at skateboarding—like, a 50-foot-penis is just wrong and thus demands that you do wrong things with it. And since you can’t really do anything wrong in skateboarding a 50-foot-penis isn’t as funny. Plus, I couldn’t help thinking about my 50-foot penis accidentally unfurling while doing a slappy and it getting all tangled and grinded up under my trucks. But there are surely a lot of creative things you could do that involve a skateboard and a 50-foot-long penis. Imagine Nyjah, for instance, launching into a massive backside dick slide with a little help from a well-endowed friend with a knobbed rail.
Congratulations to the barnacle for once again winning the Biggest Dick award in The Year Of The Dick. I’m sure 2020 is going to continue to buttfuck the shit out of us for some time to come, but let’s hope that it shoots its load, goes limp, withers, and dies soon. If anyone had the misfortune of being impregnated by 2020, please abort.
1. Before I looked up what this year was in the Chinese calendar I was expecting to learn that it was “The Year Of The Cock” to which I was prepared to say, “See? It says so right on the front of the fucking Chinese calendar—how were we not prepared for this, we knew this year was going to be a total cock?”